


Whore's Big Ghost Adventure

by Probably_your_mom



Category: Ghost (Sweden Band)
Genre: Drugs, F/M, Fuckbuddies, Fucked Up, Funny, Gen, Jealousy, Marriage, Multi, Original Character(s), Pregnancy, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-01-02 16:29:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21164663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Probably_your_mom/pseuds/Probably_your_mom
Summary: When Whore goes to visit the Papas, weirdness ensues.





	1. A Wild Night

I was laying around the house one night being bored. Everything sucked as usual. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was Papa Emeritus 2, which wasn't that weird because he calls sometimes.

"Hi, is this Whore?" He asked.

"Yes," I sighed. "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to see if you wanted to come over and watch movies with us"

"Who is all over there?" I asked.

"Just me," he said.

"Why did you say us?" "

"Well i meant just me and Papa 1, he is druuuunk tho hahaha!" All of a sudden, there was a bunch of yelling and a crash. Then hysterical laughing.

"OMG you guys! Fucking stop!" "

"What happened?" I asked. "

"Oh they're doing keg stands." "

"Who is there? Besides Papa 1?"

"Oh well Papa 3, too." I sighed. I knew all of them were drunk and high, and they were probably all going to fuck me just like the other 30 times this happened. But being a whore, I was like whatever. So I hopped in the car and headed over!

When I got there, Papa 2 met me at the door. "We have to be quiet." He said. "I dont want the cops over here." We went inside and immediately had to step over Papa 1, who was laying face down in a puddle of blood. "

"What the fuck!" I screamed, which woke him up. He looked up and smiled, and then spit out a tooth. "

"Hey, Whore!" He said cheerfully.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Oh I just fell off the roof a bit ago! I'm alright tho."

Papa 3 came in and was like, "Ya he was trying to fix the satellite so we can watch Netflix." "

"That's not how Netflix works, " I responded.

"Ya I know. Guess we can't watch TV. But you know what we can do? Meth. We can smoke meth and hail Satan!"

Immediately Papa 2 screamed, "Archangelooo," and everyone scrambled for the kitchen table which is where we always sit when we smoke meth. Everyone immediately smoked 17 meths each, which is the standard amount. Papa 3 got mad.

"There should be one more meth in here! One of you fuckers has it! That's mine for later!" Everyone looked around innocently. "

"Maybe you counted wrong," said Papa 2.

Papa 3 got even more mad! He pointed at Papa 2. "It's you!" He screamed. They began fighting but it was like a bitch fight where you just slap each other.

Fortunately, I had stopped and got a movie. I got up and put the movie in. It was Smokey and the Bandit, which I knew was all of their favorite movie!

When we were sitting on the couch watching it, they all started flirting with me. "

"Hey baby," said Papa 1, trying to get up on me.

On the other side of me was Papa 2. "You're looking fine!"

Papa 3 was on the ground petting my leg. When he made eye contact with me, he licked his lip seductively. 

I knew better than to tell them they had to take turns, because there would just be a big fight. So we all got in the bed, which fortunately was very big. Next thing you know, I was getting nailed in every hole! Pretty soon one of them yelled, "Chinese fire drill!" And they all switched places! The grace with which they did this was beautiful and made the night truly special.

After this, we all were in love and fell asleep in each others arms. We woke at dawn even more in love than before if that's possible but probably it isn't. For the night of tender lovemaking was fresh in all of our minds.

After a leisurely breakfast of bacon and raisins, we all headed to the courthouse and got married. Now, it's just like that show with the sister wives!


	2. The Marriage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whore and the Papas try to develop a routine so they can live their best lives. A new situation tests the relationship.

After we all got married, we settled into a routine. One day, I got home from work.

"Hi, honeys, I'm home!" I called out. All of the Papas come running out to meet me. All of them were dressed in their usual getup with the whole paint and pope outfits. At first it seemed weird to me, but i was used to their by shit now.

"Fuck!! I missed you sexy bitches!" I yelled. All of them swooned. "Get over here and give me some sugar!" I went over and kissed them passionately. It almost turned into a fuck fest, but i reined my bitches in. "

"Supper is in the oven," I plopped down in my chair. Papa 2 slipped off my shoes and started rubbing my feet. Papa 3 was massaging my shoulders and had brought me a beer. Pretty soon, I realized I was missing a bitch! I waited to see if he was making me a sandwich, but when he didn't come in I went to find him. He was sitting on the bed, eyes filled with tears.

"Baby, what's wrong?" I asked.

"Oh ya he has news!" Exclaimed Papa 3. "

"Well, this morning, I realized I was late," he began, wiping off tears and sniffling.

I sat down beside him and put my arm around him. "Honey, what were you late for?"

"He's PREGGO!" yelled Papa 3.

"God damn it!!!" screamed Papa 1, bursting into tears again. "This is my fucking shitshow, can you shut the fuck up?"

"Well excuuuuuuse the fuck out of me!" exclaimed Papa 3. They started getting in a bitch fight, just kinda slapping each other's hands. 

"So this is why you've been throwing up in the mornings," I said.

"Probably. I've suspected it for a couple of weeks. That's why the last time we were smoking meths, I only smoked like 5 of them. I want our baby to be healthy!" He put his hand on his stomach and sighed.

I took him by the shoulders and turned him to face me. I lifted his chin up and looked him in the eyes. At that moment, I realized that I hoped the baby didn't look like him. I smiled, drying his tears.

"Sweetheart, it's okay! It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how many meths you smoke, heroins you shoot up, or gallons of everclear you drink! Our baby is going to be retarded and fucked from birth anyways!" 

"Really?" He said, sniffling.

"Really! This baby has absolutely no hope of a normal life!" I nodded. "Now you get in there and smoke a bunch of meths!"

He smiled and headed for the meth pantry. "I hate to see you go, but i love to watch you leave!" I screamed and he giggled.

I turned around and ran straight up into Papa 2, who was standing there with his arms crossed, scowling at me.

"This is bullshit. BULLSHIT!" He whammed his grucifix stick thingy against the ground for emphasis. 

"What?" I asked.

"I'm the best wife, and I should be the one having a baby!"

"Oh, honey," I said, stroking his cheek. "I want you to have my baby, too! I didn't even know til today that this was a thing, or even could be a thing!"

He frowned. "Well there's a lot of things you dont know about things!"

"How do you even have a baby?" I asked.

"Why are you asking me? I'm not a gynecologist! You should ask Papa 3. He is actually a gynecologist." I looked at Papa 3 and he nodded. I felt shocked because i didn't know he was a gynecologist til that moment!

"Well let's get the rest of you knocked up!" I exclaimed herding them off to the bedroom. I was so thankful for my wonderful marriages.


	3. The unholy bastard

Things seemed to be progressing normally with the pregnancy, or as normally as they could be expected to. We decided to only have the one baby for now anyways because we couldn't deal with a bunch of babies all at once. It was just bullshit. Papa 2 was pissed off initially because he thought he was the best wife and all. But in the end he even knew it was for the best. He was far to pissy to be a mom, and Papa 3 was too much of a manwhore. Plus we needed his gynecology skills for the delivery. Papa 1 was nesting. He started crocheting shit like mad. All he did was eat and crochet. He was really starting to show and was whining about being hungry and achy and peeing a lot.

One day i come home from work. Papa 2 was out in the yard doing yoga. It was super unexpected as i had never known him to do yoga because it was "a bunch of goddamn hippie bullshit".

"Why are you doing yoga?" I asked

"Tai chi," he corrected. "To get away from fatty. He keeps wanting stuff and I'm tired of waiting on him."

"Rude!" I said and he just looked at me and started doing some more yoga. Whatever.

I went inside and waded through a field of crocheted blankets. Papa 1 was sitting in the recliner eating chocolate chips and maraschino cherries. I watched his process. He would place a cherry carefully on his tongue and then cram a handful of chocolate chips in his mouth. 

"Fuck, that's tasty!" He said. He was reading "What To Expect When You're Expecting".

Papa 3 was sterilizing and cleaning all his gynecology tools and speculums and shit. I tried to not even imagine what might be required for this delivery.

Papa 3 turned around and saw me looking with a strange expression. "It will have to be a C-section, of course," he said. I nodded.

Papa 1 turned around. "Then why do you have that speculum?"

"In case you piss me off."

"Well!" said Papa 1, mildly offended. He placed a cherry on his tongue and went to get a some chocolate chips, but the bag was empty. He shook it upside down, looked in it, wadded it into a ball, and threw it at Papa 3, bonking him in the head and scattering stuff about. He stuck out his tongue with the cherry on it, apparently unable to put it back in the jar, or to vocalize properly with his tongue out.

"Uuuuhhh! Elp!!!!" He yelled. Papa 3 rolled his eyes. Suddenly he swallowed it and hopped up.

"Shit, you guys! My water just broke!" Everything was soaked. Papa 3 came over and looked at it.

"Your water didn't break. You just peed everywhere. This is on purpose."

"Whatever!" He yelled. "I wouldn't just pee myself! Why would i do that?"

"To be an asshole!" Yelled Papa 2, who had just come in.

"Oh, FUCKING FUCK!!!" screamed Papa 1, gripping his stomach with both hands. "It fucking hurts! This unholy bastard is coming! Oh my GOD OWWWW!" 

He fell on his ass on the floor, and was too fat and pregnant to get up, so he just leaned up against the chair. "Ohhhh my God! Ohhh it hurts! i have to push!" 

"Good luck with that," replied Papa 2, dropping to a knee beside him. Papa 1 glared back, eyes glazed with pain, as Papa 2 took his hand, squeezing it, and began to rub his lower back to help ease the contractions. 

"Shhh now do your breathing."

He began to pant in a more controlled manner, as Papa 2 timed the contractions and held his hand. He allowed Papa 1 to lean against him, rubbing his back and speaking to him in a quiet, encouraging way. He was his support person for this and I was surprised how good of a support person he was. Papa 3 was setting up for the delivery in the spare room. He had called Omega over to do an epidural. I wasn't sure what to do so i went to boil some water like they do in movies when someone has a baby. I figured it would come in handy somehow! I was excited and scared about being a dad. Since i was a female, i never had really thought about it. I knew when i married the three amigos, though, shit would be strange. I wondered if i should go buy those little cigars you hand out.


End file.
